This blog was originally created to showcase my photography. That kinda stopped happening. Shooting (guns and images) is still my passion, but I'm a writer at heart, so that seems to dominate, regardless of what I try to do.


Monday, January 15, 2018

So This is What it Feels Like to Have No Control...

I've reached a point in my life where I feel as if I have no control over any of what's happening to me. Every aspect of my future is either in someone else's hands, or being controlled by some unknown force within the universe.

Sure, I have decisions I can make: what I want for dinner (which I haven't been doing much of lately. eating has been difficult), when it's time to do laundry, and other mundane, relatively insignificant tasks.

I've been told repeatedly to stop taking job rejections personally. I'm so emotional and sensitive most of the time and, let's be honest, desperate to find a job. It's hard to see past that. I mean, consider this: You have to sell yourself. Hard. You put all of your education, job experience, skills, objectives, and philosophies out there for them to see and then they say "no, you're not good enough." And when you apply for a job you really, really want and you're confident that you meet and probably exceed their requirements, it hurts.

I was literally crushed when I got notification that *the* perfect position had been filled by another applicant. It was the answer to everything, that job. Everything I wanted to do, perfect location...it was a real big hit to the ego and the heart.

So far, I have probably 20 outstanding applications. All are "being processed," or whatever term that particular organization uses. Most have been for quite some time. Some have been in progress since October. Some I applied for yesterday.

I have another option - to move out of state - but I'm not really sure about it. 1500 miles away from everything I've ever known and loved. It's hard to convince myself that would be the right choice. Both my parents are telling me to go. I know they probably don't actually want me to, but think it will benefit my future. Hell, my mom cries every time I leave their house now and I only live 2 hours away and visit at least once a month.

I think it's weird that, with all the contacts I have in my chosen career field, nobody is able to help me out. In fact, they don't even really sound that willing to. I kinda get a lot of "I don't know"s and other non-committal answers. That makes me doubt myself. Maybe they don't think I'm good enough. Maybe they don't even really like me that much. I mean, why else wouldn't they actively help me? I'd do it for them.

My friendships and relationships have suffered from my moving up here. Maybe they weren't that strong to begin with and I just didn't recognize it. Things I used to be included in and was invited to attend have stopped being extended, even though I DID go down when they invited me. Either way, I feel pretty alone in the world right now. It's not a good feeling. I've been so happy since I moved here. Even for the first 6 months when I knew nobody and found it hard to connect with anyone in my classes due to the age difference. I was lucky to overcome that, but now they've all graduated and moved on to other things and I'm still here. Alone. It sucks. But I'm still in a town I love dearly, so there's that. I've been hanging on to it like a life line.

I've never had such a hard time finding a job before. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I didn't think it was going to take this long to even get so much as an interview - which I haven't. I feel lost, floating, adrift. I don't feel like doing any of the things I used to do when I had free time. I just keep reloading my email account, praying that I'll find an email asking me for further communication in regards to a job...and they're not there. The rest of my time, I'm searching and applying for anything that even remotely seems like something I'm qualified to do, since it seems like I've tapped out all of my resources for jobs that should be slam-dunks.

My future is the hands of faces obscured behind a computer screen, voices that don't return messages, and computer programs meant to pull out keywords from electronically-submitted documents and ditch the ones that might be worded incorrectly.

I can vent to whomever will listen, but it doesn't fix the problem. It doesn't get me hired, it doesn't make me money, and it doesn't even make me feel any better. Nobody can help me with my current struggles.

Everyone says things happen the way they're supposed to, but I sure have a hard time getting on board with that.

In the meantime, all I can do is continuing to spend my days looking for work, checking my email, and resigning myself to the fact that I may have to wait months before that opportunity comes up. And pray I don't end up homeless in the interim.

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